Posted by Greg Clow in in the papers, news and media on June 21, 2008 at 5:11 pm

In the UK, restaurant critics such as Giles Coren and A. A. Gill have made an art out of insults, using descriptors that verge on the profane in order to express their displeasure when served bad food. Coren, for example, described the chicken marsala at a restaurant in Belfast as "ill-conceived, incompetent, indescribably awful... I cannot leave it alone but return to it every few minutes with the grim fascination of a toddler mesmerized by a pile of its own feces. ... If you've ever sniffed your finger after scratching your arse, and then done it again, then this dish may not be entirely wasted on you." (Incidentally, Coren was successfully sued by the restaurateur for his review, although the judgement was later overturned.)

Here in Canada, our critics tend to be a bit more polite, even when giving bad reviews. They still make it clear that they're not happy with the food or service, but tend to avoid referring to bodily functions and excretions when doing so. Or at least that was the case until now, as Chris Nuttall-Smith crosses the grossness line in his debut appearance as the summer replacement for Joanne Kates in the Globe & Mail. Here are some of the things he has to say about his experience at Le Papillion on Front:

My date's crêpe Bourguignon at Le Papillon: three carrot slices, and what tastes like a box of cornstarch, two dozen Oxo cubes and a side of passably tender meat. The crepe is gluey, it's "garnished" with a knot of carrot peelings that the kitchen doubtless thought might look nice, and the inside tastes a lot like Campbell's Chunky Soup.

But my date is the lucky one. I have just had a plate of the broiled escargots - served lukewarm. They tasted dull and vaguely salty, like post-nasal drip. And at least the date doesn't have to face Le Papillon's tourtière. The tourtière shows originality. Its crust is smooth, damp and glossy, looks like shredded butcher's paper and tastes like hydrogenated Brylcreem. The filling? As though somebody forgot to reconstitute the meat.

Also in the Globe:

• Beppi Crosariol starts to dream up a Great Canadian Two-Four for Canada Day, featuring beers from every province, but then realises that it would be an next-to-impossible dream due to laws that restrict the shipping of booze between provinces.
• Lucy Waverman gets carnivorous with recipes for grilled meats from around the world.
• Sasha Chapman's column is also mighty meaty this week, with a look at some of the less-common beef cuts that are cheaper - and some argue better - than the usual rib eyes and strip loins.
• Tenille Bonoguore previews Xococava, the new ice-cream and chocolate shop opening this week next door to Chris McDonald's Cava.
• Mercedeh Sanati looks back at last August's 6 Barrels for 6 Chefs charity event in Prince Edward County, offering an idea of what attendees can expect at this year's instalment on July 2nd.
• In the Books section, Natalie Maclean reviews The Billionaire's Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace, an expose on the world of rare wine auctions and the problem with fake vintages being sold as the real thing, and Ingeborg Boyens looks at The End of Food by Paul Roberts, a book that sounds like it's just as cheery as the title suggests (i.e. not very).

Over in the Toronto Star, Corey Mintz gets up early to check out Gilead Café, Jamie Kennedy's new breakfast and lunch place in Corktown, and decides that it's worth setting the alarm for:

I pick out a sourdough loaf made with red fife wheat (which I'm proudly informed, is a heritage wheat), and Ontario sheep's milk piacere cheese. ... The crackling crust of the warm bread echoes through my sleepy skull. Its insides are still a little moist and springy. The sharp bite of the puttyish piacere snaps me out of my dreams, aided by a smooth-as-Hayes café au lait and, I'm not afraid to admit it, a chocolate cupcake crowned with stiff butter cream frosting (yes, I ate cake for breakfast).

There are some people - like, everyone - who will tell you not to eat an entire loaf of bread. But, by the end of the day I've eaten the whole sourdough. Sitting in my home office/kitchen, I rip at the bread, slapping it with butter, pork fat, peanut butter, jam and soft cheeses until the loaf disappears.

Also in the Star:

• Gord Stimmell gets called out as a wine snob by Mike Strobel of the Toronto Sun, but he doesn't really care.
• Mark Bittman gives somes tips on how to eat less meat, as well as a bunch of recipes that feature a bit of meat as an ingredient rather than the main attraction.

In the National Post, Gina Mallet devotes the first half of her column this week to a semi-rant about the recent tomato scare, and then abruptly jumps into her review of Boba where the menu has recently been changed from the usual appetizers and main courses to the currently trendy small- and large-plates. But unlike many places that have jumped on that bandwagon, Boba actually serves good food:

"I'm afraid we've run out of ostrich," says Alice, the maitre d'. No tears from me. I balk at the idea of eating a slice off a bird that belongs in the funnies. Daily specials are more like it -- such as the asparagus salad ($13), a long plate of at least six fat spears of Ontario white and green asparagus drizzled with olive oil (OK, Rachel Ray's EVOO) and lemon. As for [chef Bob] Bermann's smoked ribs ($27), they are medium rare, dry and fragrant with wood smoke and herbs, no sugar goo, hefty bones, chunks of meat. A bowl of frites, now de rigueur in every restaurant. From the regular Bigger menu, we pick two superior fish: rare grilled tuna filet that comes with coconut noodles and black bean sauce ($32), and another special, grilled halibut with seafood paella and, a particularly tasty touch, smoked paprika creamed sauce ($32).

Also in the Post:

• Margaret Swaine pays tribute to summer with recommendations for a half-dozen great white wines.
• Kate Swoger and Jon Bricker preview the Toronto Night Market taking place at Metro Square Plaza in Markham next month.
• Bonnie Stern admits that she went to see "You Don't Mess With the Zohan", and then shares some recipes for hummus and other chick pea creations.
• Araminta Wordsworth reviews The End of Food, and doesn't make it sound any cheerier than Ingeborg Boyens did in the Globe.