“Where the M***F*** cheese go?”

So went the Ween lyrics to a proposed Pizza Hut commercial jingle, which, though ultimately declined, is the perfect theme song to my quest for cheese fondue.

What I want is a gently bubbling pot of kirsch-kissed Swiss cheeses, melting but slightly chewy gooey to the bite - (think mozzarella on pizza just out of the oven), soaked up by stiff cubes of baguette. Raclette, or Swiss style cheese fondue, is something I thought would be easily found in Toronto – don’t we have everything?

Last winter an article about fondue lead me to the Bier Markt (58 The Esplanade), which had a special menu offering cheese, broth, oil and two types of chocolate ones. We had the cheese as an appetizer, the seafood-based broth fondue as an entree, and the dark chocolate type for dessert. I was only impressed with the main course. The broth fondue poached fish sashimi soft, and shrimp firmly sweet, almost crisp to the bite. However, the cheese was a tepid let down, better suited to boxed macaroni.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it, figuring that there were other places to go to. Unfortunately, in my recent raclette search, I’ve found that there seems to be no suitable options currently on offer.

Bier Markt has retained an appetizer version of cheese fondue – been there, done that – as does Far Niente (187 Bay Street); but a Fontina cheese variation with nuts was not exactly what I was after. Barbarian’s Steak House (7 Elm Street) has both a beef fondue (broth type) and a cheese, but only available after 10pm. My only option looked to be Beerbistro (18 King Street East) as far as price and convenience went.

Settling for the cheese and lager appetizer ($14.50) at Beerbistro, I didn’t expect much, assuming that it would be similar to the one I’d tried at Bier Market. It was acceptable. The temperature and texture were unfortunate but the blend of the sweet, bitter pungency of emmental with crisp pilsner flavours was tasty. The mixture was kept warm over a tea light but the lack of even heat distribution disappointed. These contraptions seem better suited to warming less viscous chocolate fondues, or even better as aromatherapy oils heaters.

Unless I prepared it at home, it didn’t look like I was going to get what I wanted. What might be an apt substitute? Good thing there is another similarly themed seasonal meal: Chinese fondue, also known as hot pot or steamboat.

It’s substantial, warming, and also nostalgic. Growing up (back when it was either Agincourt or downtown for Chinese restaurants), hot pot was had once or twice a year with my family over a communal makeshift cooker. A plugged-in griddle at the centre of the dinner table was filled with watered-down chicken broth. In stages, various kinds of paper-thin slices of meat, meatballs (fish, squid, pork, and beef), seafood, tofu, and vegetables were added. Water logged pieces of food were dipped into a sauce of raw egg, “satay barbecue” sauce and soy sauce. At the end of it all, you threw in noodles: cellophane bean thread, udon, etc., to eat with the rich soup that resulted from cooking all those foods.

Once something only able to be done at home, now, there are many restaurants that offer hot pot, and indeed even many variations. I Cook Buffet Restaurant (7898 Warden Avenue, Markham) offers Taiwanese style hot pot in the evenings, AYCE for $12.99. This style is modelled after Japanese Shabu Shabu, but is mostly similar only by the use of individual hot pots, instead of one big pot to share. There are 6 types of broth (e.g. cilantro and preserved duck egg) to choose from and a few more fancy options that cost extra. Go to the wall of ingredients and a plethora of meats, seafood, vegetables, balls, wontons, noodles and more await. Tiny quail eggs and watercress are lovely. More adventurous are: pig offal, congealed blood (tofu-like), or blood and sticky rice cake (the black bars dotted white). The dipping sauce area is also DIY, with many options - keeping it simple is probably best. As for sweets, there is a shaved ice counter (spoon sweet jellies, beans and condensed milk onto delicate shards of ice), and the mango pudding and red bean squares.

As for downtown, I’ve passed by Liu Liu Hot Pot (149 Baldwin Street) many a time wandering around Kensington Market. One day hopefully the big letters in the window spelling out “Szechuan” (aka tongue-numbing heat) like a warning won’t be so intimidating.

Hot pot may not be everyone’s favourite as it is essentially eating boiled food. It can be a healthier option (no oil and lots of veggies) and it’s certainly a fun way to eat with friends. With the cold here to stay for at at least another two months, there’s nothing more soothing than being somewhere warm with good company over lots of food.

Editor’s note: After Susan filed this story, we discovered that Cafe Taste (1330 Queen Street West) offers cheese fondue for $28 for 8oz of cheese with bread and fruit, suitable to serve 2-4 people.