Martin Grove Fish & Chips
5 Lavington Drive, Etobicoke
416-244-7630
Take-out lunch for two (including soft drinks, no dessert) with all taxes: $19

I don’t usually get a craving for deep-fried food around two in the afternoon. But on this particular day of hardcore holiday shopping and extra calories incinerated while wandering the malls and lugging heavy packages – not to mention plenty of action with my snow shovel early that morning (and not in a good way) – I decided that a late lunch of some hot greasy goodness was a well-earned indulgence.

So off I went to Martin Grove Fish & Chips.

A glamorous destination it is not. Nor is it licensed - slipping in for a midday pint isn’t an option. So at 1:50pm on a Monday, it is almost expected to see a few tumbleweeds roll by while waiting for an order to be fished out of the deep-fryer.

Speaking of fish, the menu is pretty basic. Don’t expect to find any authentic exotica here - no blood pudding, no mushy peas, no deep-fried haggis or meat pies. Fish-wise, there is halibut and haddock. I chose the halibut and chips ($7.60), a small coleslaw ($0.75), onion rings ($1.85) and an order of scallops ($5.50). Soft drinks are $1. My mother was with me, so we got 15% off (a seniors’ discount in effect Mondays and Tuesdays from 11am to 2pm).

The dining area (dining “room” just doesn’t sound right) is outfitted here and there with bits of nautical knick-knackery. At one end of the room, for no apparent reason, is a collection of hobo clown prints. While I have visited MGFnC many times over the years, I have never actually sat down at one of their tables to consume my meal. There is absolutely nothing in its environment that urges me to pull up a chair and eat my food beneath the über-kitschy model ships and photos of faux seafaring. And I’ve already mentioned the creepy hobo prints. So I order what I want for take-out only. The counter staff do not seem to be put off by this.

Fortunately, I do not live far from Martin Grove Fish & Chips, so when I unwrap my battered bonanza in the comfort of my own (hobo-clown-picture-free) kitchen, everything is still crispy and hot and smelling of that lovely tantalizingly sinful smell of hot grease. Except for the coleslaw. While the slaw is crispy, I’m the kind of gal who prefers the creamy, mayonnaise-y type rather than the sour vinegar kind that tastes like its been scooped out of a gallon bucket. But what the heck. For seventy-five cents, it’s a cheap little grease cutter.

The halibut is a nice slab of snowy white fish encrusted with a deep-fried shell of satisfyingly crunchy crunchiness. It is, however, so tame in flavour that I have to ruin that lovely crunch with a stupefying amount of malt vinegar and sea salt. No matter. The chips are stodgy chunks of potato and nicely soak up all the seasonings. Please keep in mind I don’t think I’ve ever met a chip (or a “french fry”) I didn’t like, and these ones are no exception.

The onion rings are terrifically crisp, the batter light, and the onions sweet and nicely al dente. And the scallops! $5.50 for six may seem a wee bit steep, but this was my first time with these little bad boys, and had I known they were going to be as good as they were, I would have doubled my order. Cocooned in the same de-”light”-ful batter as the rings, inside the scallops were tender, rich and sweetly succulent. In any event, these were a knockout surprise.

And to think I had my doubts when I ordered them. The words of Anthony Bourdain sailed through my head as I perused the menu board: “What the hell are you doing? Didn’t you read my book? Never order fish on a Monday!”

Jeez, was that why the place was so empty? Had everyone read Kitchen Confidential?

But it was too late. I had a craving that involved some deep-fried seafood and it wasn’t going to wait until the next day.

Thankfully Martin Grove Fish & Chips came through for me and I lived to see Tuesday and another day of holiday shopping hub-bub.

Now if only they’d add some mayonnaise to their coleslaw…