Square Boy
875 Danforth Avenue
416-461-2571
Dinner for two with all taxes, tip and soft drinks: $12

Genghis Khan’s Golden Horde kept scrapings of mutton and lamb to form into flat patties. The meat was tenderized by being placed under their saddles and eaten raw. This allowed them to loot and pillage with one hand while eating with the other. There’s a good reason fast food was invented.

French fries were a little more problematic. And there is some dispute as to whether the Mongols were responsible for the first Happy Meal. Anyway, the conquered Russians took a liking to this raw meat; hence Steak Tartare.

Sailors from Hamburg calling on Russian ports brought back this ground meat back to Germany, and now, after a few centuries, there are a billion members of the Golden Arches Horde. (You can take my research as impeccably accurate; I read it on the internet.)

The hamburger will continue to evolve, I suppose, in its composition and its shape. Square Boy, which has been in the hamburger business for forty years, was the first in Toronto to offer - ­ take a deep breath ­ - a square hamburger patty. I have a soft spot for old-school diners and Square Boy’s gaudy orange sign which promises “four more bites” draws me, and hundreds of other patrons, into its formica and plastic interior. From 10 am to 10 pm, the line-ups never cease. There is no culinary phenomenon quite like it in Toronto.

Square Boy is run a by a number of men of Greek descent who, like the restaurant itself, have reached a healthy middle age. Their relationship to one and other is something of a mystery and my inquiries about the story behind the restaurant are met by cryptic jokes. But they are good-natured bunch who create a cheerful, easy-going environment. There is a certain Square Boy ambiance that is probably responsible for much of its enduring success.

I order the hamburger, fries and pop special ($3.99). After a prolonged and careful inspection, I have to conclude that the patty is not square. Geometry is not my strong point, but this is not a quadrilateral having four equal sides. No, it’s more of an oval. Is Square Boy not on the square? Or did the patty lose its right angles during the cooking process?

In any case, with a little ketchup the seasoned burgers go down quite easily. The beef may be a little fatty and greasy but the same has been said of me. And the fries may be previously frozen, but they emerge from the fryer starchy and crisp.

The chicken souvlaki, served with an almost Greek salad ($7.99) and seasoned with tzatziki is filling and tasty. There’s a five dollar souvlaki special that’s perfect for those not so special occasions. The rotisserie chicken dinner that looks quite palatable. The gyros, on the other hand, an indeterminate, gelatinous piece of meat turning on an electric spit looks best to be avoided.

What more is there to say? Square Boy is a crowded, colourful place packed with humanity seven days a week ­ from captains of industry to people who look ready to do some looting and pillaging of their own. If you’re ever in the east end, join the hordes at Square Boy on the Danforth. Tell them Genghis Khan sent you.