Posted by Greg Clow in in the papers, news and media on May 26, 2007 at 5:32 pm

It's one of Toronto's great mysteries, and the subject of one of the lengthiest and longest lived threads on the Toronto Chowhound board: Why does the Beach, one of the city's most affluent and trendy neighbourhoods, have such a dearth of decent dining options? It's certainly not for lack of trying, as there are a lot of eateries in the area, but none of them seem to be very good.

A recently opened place called Balsam is attempting to change that, but based on Amy Pataki's review in today's Toronto Star - a review which is one of her most scathing in recent memory - it appears that they're failing miserably:

The kitchen aims high. [Chef Nick] Drake's menu, arranged by price rather than category, touches many trends. It's small plates for sharing, with foams, organics, carrot powder, charcuterie and $6 side vegetable dishes. There's even a tease for a tartar trio, in which one of the three is unlisted to create mystery.

The real mystery, though, is how anyone directly related to the running of this restaurant can think that glacial service, let's-throw-it-together-and-see-if-it-sticks cooking and a truncated wine list (just four by the glass?) is a good idea. Love, like ambition, can be blind.

Me, I'd rather put a fork in my eye than eat Balsam's papardelle ($9) again. The undercooked noodles have the texture of day-old chewing gum while the cream sauce is a shoo-in for craft glue.

And it just gets worse from there. Ouch.

Also in the Star:

• Gordon Stimmell gives his top picks from today's Vintages release.
• Susan Sampson shares her mom's recipe for a rustic bean & pork hock soup.
• In the Travel section, Rowena Carr-Allinson reports on the improved and rapidly growing gastronomic scene in St. Petersburg, Russia.

Over in the Globe & Mail, Joanne Kates is happy about the fact that chef Wandee Young is back in the kitchen at Young Thailand, which has recently relocated to the Junction. Although in her usual snobbish fashion, she can't resist getting a few jabs in at the neighbourhood:

Cheap rent, 100 seats and a kitchen she can personally control are what drew her to the Junction. She brought enough pretty Thai things from downtown to spruce up the place nicely, so that, having penetrated five metres into the long narrow room, one quickly forgets the charmlessness of Dundas West.

Her cold salad rolls are so far superior to any others in town that I shall be forever consigned to schlepping to the Junction: She stuffs them with a lot of perfectly cooked plump chicken, very lightly pickled carrot and young coriander sprouts. Instead of the usual sweet chili sauce, hers is a tamarind-based complexity of sweet and sour. Her shrimp rolls are ungreasy, highly flavoured delights scented with tree ear fungus, marinated glass noodles and carrot shreds. Young's green mango salad is more robustly flavoured than elsewhere, thanks to roasted cashews along with the usual peanuts, and more chicken. Her commitment to impeccably fresh mint and coriander doesn't hurt.

Also in the Globe:

• Lucy Waverman is in awe of Chicago's Alinea, where she recently enjoyed one of chef Grant Achatz's renowned 26 course tasting menus, and she shares a couple of the recipes that she managed to get out of Achatz.
• Beppi Crosariol highlights some New Zealand wines from today's Vintages release.
• Sasha Chapman chows down on some tasty and fresh spring mix salad from Cookstown Greens.
• Leah Rumack profiles the latest downtown resto-lounge hot spot, Marben.

Gina Mallet is MIA from the National Post today, so the only restaurant review for this week is in Jon Bricker and Kate Swoger's Burbchomp column, where they're generally impressed by the eats at North York's Armenian Kitchen, although it took them a while to warm up to a couple of specialities of the house:

The spicy garlic potatoes arrived soggy with orange goop that didn't look terribly appetizing but tasted wonderfully of garlic. And the sujok, a beef sausage that's heavily spiced then left to dry for several days, had an unusual, pungent flavour; we were hesitant at first but quickly came to enjoy it.

Also in the Post:

• Shannon Kari investigates why the booming US craft beer market is so poorly represented on LCBO shelves and Beer Store stock rooms.
• Michael Vaughan focuses on the New Zealand whites from today's Vintages release, and directs readers to his website to find out what he thought of the reds.
• Nathalie Atkinson grabs a coffee and croissant at Ezra's Pound, a new café on the burgeoning strip of Dupont Street between Davenport and Spadina that features a bunch of other shops and neighbourhood restaurants that she gives mention as well.
• And speaking of famous dead writers, Brianna Goldberg chats with the well-read owner of Toronto's most literary-minded snack cart, Mrs. Dalloway's Hot Dog Stand at Yonge & Gerrard.